Age is just a number…

After a little introspection, this is what I’ve realized.

Like many, I struggled when I reached 40. I re-evaluated my life and thought “that’s it? Are my best years behind me?”. Does everything go downhill from here because I have like 20 years left (LOL! I know…I was being SUPER dramatic). I tried everyday to stop that inner “hate and negative self-talk”. However, it was very hard!! That first year of turning 40 I struggled.

My husband had been working out consistently for about a year and a half, but I didn’t like doing the elliptical or weight machine. I needed to find something that I liked. This is where yoga came in. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I’ve done yoga before, but it was more as a way to loose weight and I didn’t do it consistently. In 2019, right when I turned 41, I decided to do something about it. I started doing yoga daily, integrating a little meditation. This was a game changer for me because I started to feel better about myself. With this, came the “loosing of fear” I’ve always had of being myself. I FINALLY got the tattoos I had always wanted, and didn’t care about what others thought. It was very liberating.

As I started feeling better about myself, my confidence grew. I enrolled into a 200 YTT, even though that negative self-talk would still creep saying, “You’re too old to do this. This would have been a cool idea when you were younger. What does it matter now, you’re too old and won’t do anything with it”. So sad that all of these words flowed through my head. However, I still enrolled in the training, and it turned out wonderful. I encountered so many people my age and older having the same dreams as me. This helped me to come out of my shell a lot and become more confident in what I do and even in posting on social media (especially videos!).

Now, at the start of the pandemic and having to quarantine, the negative self-talk came back. I freaked out thinking, “Is this it? The world is now going to suck and it’s never going to be normal again. I won’t get to travel how I wanted to. Are the best years behind me? Is fear going to rule society from now on? Am I stuck here?”. Phew….and I could keep going!! Diving into the 200 YTT honestly is what kept me sane during this time. I was non-stop reading, learning, researching. Not only did I learn a lot, but it kept my mind off of how I felt. When the opportunity came to become part of the pilot program for the 300 YTT (Yoga and Ayurveda Center), I jumped at it! I knew that it was not self-paced and had deadlines, but I didn’t care. I again, dove in and it helped with the way I felt when I returned to work (I am a 4th grade teacher).

So, being back at work has put a lot into perspective. I love teaching the kids. They bring me a lot of joy, however, I don’t love the job. Countless hours working, the work never stays at work, always thinking about what you are going to do next, it’s exhausting. Adding onto it is the fact that I’m not even teaching a subject that I enjoy teaching. So I started thinking, what do I love and how do I get there? I’ve been on this “magical” journey to figure out “what do I want to be when I grow up?”. Some people have it all figured out! I’m still stumbling. I have a job, which I’m SUPER grateful, but it doesn’t bring me joy or passion. This is where I’m at. Finding joy and passion. I want to say “I love what I do and those that I impact!”.

My brain is all over the place sometimes, so it’s hard to pinpoint what I want to do. I love to do SO many things, that it gets overwhelming! Many years ago, I wanted to be a baker and open my own bakeshop. Although I still love to bake (I’ve had to re-learn how to do it because I’ve had to go gluten-free), I don’t think it’s something that I want to do as a job. As a hobby, that would be great! My passion for the last couple of years has been health, nutrition, yoga, and how these three help your wellbeing. However, there are SO many different paths that I could take within that. And starting over….it’s a little scary. WHICH comes to the root of it all…….fear.

I was talking to my husband yesterday and just looking back at everything we’ve done together. That fear of letting go has kept me from doing what I love to do. The need for stability was greater because we had kids in our early 20’s. So I feel that I would have been irresponsible if I put our family in a situation that would not have provided stability. I know that’s just silly talk, but that’s how I felt.

Fast forward to now. My last post about Commit 30 was about buying a planner and getting my life on a happy job track. I don’t know EXACTLY what I want to do, but I know what I love to do. I feel that this is a start. This is why the planner was integral in helping me to keep myself motivated.

Another thing I did, which I’m excited to have done it, was buying the Self-Improvement bundle from The Bundle co. I looooove it!! They put together a bundle of courses with a theme, and usually give you about a week to buy it at a super discounted price. With 110 courses, it was a steal for 75 bucks! I figured, what do I have to loose! The bundle I bought has courses on: manifesting, vision mapping, reaching your goals, achieving your dream, money mindset, finance, manage stress, self awareness, confidence, self-care, self-love, healthy mindset, nutrition/mindful eating, health, vegan, clean living, sustainability, mindfulness/meditation, fitness/yoga, beauty, women, relationships, motherhood, career, business, productivity, and photography.

I started with Astrology Basics under the Vision Mapping section and jumped right into Manifesting with Ash. It’s been AMAZING learning new strategies. I gotta tell you, I still get the thoughts of “you’re too old…why are you doing this….this is pointless” but it’s getting less and less. I’m starting with the courses that can help me to pin point my path, and then steps to manifest it.

Why now? Why this need to find job happiness and my purpose? Well, as my kids get older, I don’t want to be stuck in “just a job”. I want passion and purpose in what I do! I want to find my dharma.

As I take these courses, the negative self-talk still creeps in, but I trudge on! I recognize that it’s me getting in my own way.

As I finish writing this, I just want to say: NEVER let your self-talk get in the way! Tell it to “shut-up” and continue following your dreams and finding your passion. At whatever age, you can reach your dreams!!

Remember: Age is just a number.